Responsibility to Bury, Blame, Burden or Broaden. What are you choosing?

I asked my 6-year-old son this morning what he thought might be important to talk to people about today. He said; “Responsibility, Mum. I think it’s very important!”.  So I asked him “Do you know what it is?” He replied, “Yesssss, it’s when you look after stuff”.  I then asked, “Why is it so important?”

He rolled eyes at me and told me this story.“Well mum, say for example you have a dog as we do. You have to give her pats and cuddles so she knows you want her, then you have to feed her, give her a bed to sleep in, and sometimes give her treats. Oh, and she needs to go for walks and have toys to keep her busy so she doesn’t eat our socks!

Oh, and if you have cats as well like us, you need a scratching pole and a place high up for them to be safe from the possums! Do you get it now mum?”

I then asked him “Where did you learn that?” he replied, “From you, silly!”

I stopped to think about what he said, and how it relates to adults taking responsibility.

Sometimes we take on too much responsibility and go into overwhelm.  It’s at this point we can blame others for not meeting expectations or burden others though autocratic leadership and urgent unplanned meetings. We forget how to ask for help or to say no or not right now and bury our head in the sand!

To take leadership to the next level we must remember some of the key areas of responsibility.

This is how I have understood his analogies in relation to a professional setting.

Taking ownership:  “Well mum, say for example you have a dog as we do” 

Be accountable for your own outcomes and actions

Value your team: “You have to give her pats and cuddles, so she knows you want her!”

Understand the strengths and value your teams bring individually and in collaboration and appreciate the value they bring

Resources:  “then you have to feed her, give her a bed to sleep in”

Make sure your teams have the tools and resources they need to do their roles and tasks

Reward & recognition: “and sometimes give her treats when she does good things”

Celebrate individual & team results, remembering that people are unique and require a unique response to reward and recognition. 

Clear expectations and guidelines: “she needs to go for walks and have toys to keep her busy so she doesn’t eat our socks!”

Make sure you are clear on expectation and delivery timelines, otherwise people may not respond the way you want them to.

Safe & motivating environment: “if you have cats as well like us, you need a scratching pole and a place high up for them to be safe from the possums!”

• You have a responsibility to ensure you create a psychologically safe environment, one that engages people to want to be part of the team. This also requires a high level of observation.

Clear Communication: “Do you get it now mum?”

Check-in and ensure there is clarity around communication. Ensure lines of communication are understood.

Modeling leadership behaviour: “Where did you learn that?” he replied, “From you silly!”

Be observant of others behaviour and build your own self-awareness to ensure your impact is that of broadening your people and developing their potential

When you consider your own responsibilities, don’t bury your head in the sand, look up and observe what is going on around you, what opportunities are there. What can you do differently?

Remember, when you are blaming, pointing your finger at someone. Three of your fingers are pointing back at you. Ask yourself, what’s your part in this

When you want to relieve your own pressure by burdening someone else, make sure you are not just dumping from your own bucket into theirs. Considering the rules of delegation. Is this the right person? Or just the right-now person?

Do they have the talent, opportunity, and willingness to take this on? Remember you get what you plan for!

Finally, remember you learn through teaching and you teach through learning.

Engage a growth mindset. As a leader, your top responsibilities are going to be to deliver a result for your business and to do that you need to deliver results through maximizing the potential of your people.

Thank you for taking the time to read my article. I hope it gives you something to think about or something to act upon.

Corporate Magic Pty Ltd
+61 405523507 |

Behavioural Coach & Facilitator | NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer | Gallup Strengths Coaching| Extended DISC behavioural Profiling Leadership Mastery | Executive Coaching

Too funny…..

I had to laugh today, my lovely neighbour is about 70 years old, she is quite concerned about COVID19. I asked her if she needed anything and she told me she has all she needs. She said ” I have just been reading about how my antibacterial needs to be alcohol-based … so I have been pouring vodka into it. I love the simplicity! humour faceyourfears

The Complexity of Conflict – Part 1 Emotional Triggers

This week’s news headline “Simple maths equation dividing the internet” as I read further I notice the language being used including “no one can agree”, “the controversial question” “gone viral”, “fierce debate, controversy and division” So I’m thinking wow, this is serious maybe we have found a way to remove plastic from the ocean. Alas, as I read on I discover it’s just a first grad maths problem. OMG! how important is it to be getting so much attention! The whole article is about who is right and who is wrong. I found myself asking what’s the point!

In her book emotional agility Susan David Phd, introduces us the concept of “getting hooked.” We start with self-talk or ‘stinking thinking.’ Our mind then creates a visual an image that produces an emotional urge, then tada! You’re hooked.

My 5 year old also provides me daily lessons in conflict management. Just yesterday we were taking the ‘short cut’ home through the park. He says, “Mum, we need to go the other way on the footpath, this way takes longer.” To which I respond, “no Max we are going this way its shorter, that’s why it’s called a short cut!” He replies, no mum your wrong! I’m not taking another step until we go my way! (insert visual grumpy face, hands on hips).

My internal chatter box is saying, who’s the boss here! Please, just do as I ask, my technicolour thought is ball and chain, dragging along the ground, the emotional urge frustration!

I have been delivering development on conflict management for some a while now and every time I come away thinking what a complex subject it is. When I think about the personal and professional conflicts I have had over my career, they include a plethora of trigger points and causes, reactions and responses. Over the next series of posts, I am going to shed some light not just on the “what”, but tackling the “how” of conflict covering, what I consider the four key areas of conflict in the workplace.

One of the questions I ask myself when considering conflict is “How important is it?”

Let’s talk about trigger points

Situations that evoke an emotional response in you are knows as triggers. They can fall into categories based on the four main emotional responses.

  1. Fear: When you worry that something you don’t want to happen and that hasn’t happened yet, might happen in the future.
  2. Anger: When you are not getting what you want, not fair, not just
  3. Sadness: When you have lost something or someone
  4. Happiness: When you are getting what you want

Triggers are usually set off through our senses by stored memories, experiences, values and beliefs, our physiology and psychology – just to name a few. They are unique and personal to each individual, and our ability to self-regulate is key to how we are able to manage and survive conflict.

Neuroscience today has come along in leaps and bounds in the research related to the brain and how it manages our Limbic (survival brain), Amygdala (Emotional Brain) and prefrontal cortex also known as the “executive brain” which is where our rational behaviour is formed.

Let’s take a quick look at how fast this happens: (NB: Triggers can evoke negative or positive emotions) 

Sight: (Place, event, moment, behaviour, bold type/red pen, view, picture, objects)

An example: A common misconception in the workplace occurs because of sight perception. The way someone looks or looks at you; or even reads an email. Someone you know well has sent you an email and they haven’t used the usual emoji’s and joyful greeting in the email. You read the email and it’s very direct without any pleasantries. The inconsistency in the perceived message you are receiving triggers a response like; gosh what’s up with them? or what have I done to upset that person? Meanwhile – there was no intent from the sender  – they were in a hurry when they wrote it!

Sound: (music, cry, tone or raised voice, bumps and bangs, specific words)

I remember once going through a painful break up and sitting in the car with the radio on. It seemed every song we ever danced to, every romantic song about breaking up and making up, came on. I was a blubbering mess in the car until I turned off the radio. To this day if I hear Careless Whisper by George Michael, I am transported back to that moment. Fortunately, I was only 17 at the time so it no longer has the emotional “stickiness”.

Touch: (The feel of someone or something, standing too close, physical approach)

I was fortunate to study Neuro Linguistic Programing and learned about personal anchors.  That is, if someone is in a particular emotional state and you touch them in a specific point, that touch creates a trigger which evokes the original emotion they experienced. Imagine that you are sitting in the aisle seat at a funeral. As people come by, they gently tap you on the shoulder to show their condolence. This action done over and over, creates an emotional trigger for sadness on your body. A month later, someone taps you in the same spot on your shoulder and you feel that sad emotion rise and wonder where it came from – it is a stored body trigger.

Smell: (food, alcohol, aftershave / perfume, odors resembling person, place or thing)

Ever been on a crowded train or bus with no aircon on the way home after a scorching hot day and someone hasn’t applied deodorant?  What have you done?  Moved away? People can have emotional triggers based on body odor and poor hygiene – they may in fact keep someone at a distance or have a conscious bias based on the smell. Remember smell is the most closely linked to our memory and easily conjure up memories of our past.

Taste: (Foods, alcohol, tobacco, anything with taste that triggers a sensory memory)

15 years ago my partner and I busted 91 year old nana out of the nursing home and took her to lunch.  My partner had salmon and 2 hours later was violently ill.  To this day, my partner can’t eat salmon (Nana got quite tipsy and was quite a handful to sneak back to the nursing home!) The memory of food poisoning at a restaurant, a food you have never eaten since and a restaurant you have never returned to.

Whilst we are discussing triggers in relation to conflict behaviour and emotions, it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the wonderful memories that trigger resourceful emotions that create resourceful behaviours.

1.    The sight of your teams faces when you recognise their contribution.

2.    The sound of your child giggling

3.    The taste of bacon & eggs on a Sunday morning whilst reading the newspaper leisurely

4.    The touch of someone as they provide you with amazing feedback, shaking your hand

5.    The smell of freshly brewed coffee, delivered in the morning from your amazing partner

Before we can master conflict, we must learn to Master ourselves. In his book “Man’s search for meaning”Austrian psychologist Viktor Frankl a Holocaust survivor talks about the “space between reaction and response”.

When dealing with conflict we must first STOP even for a moment. We need this moment to realise and accept that we are actually having an emotion. Without that ability to STOP we are most certainly going to “react”to most conflict situations.

Practice this daily, think it, see it, feel it and get hooked on creating the space between stimulus and response. 


Right and Wrong: What happened at the Park.

So, aware I was about to be hooked, I (Stop) take a breath, (Identify) that I am getting frustrated (Name it) and consider my options. My reactive response will just escalate the situation, and turn me into a raving loony! (ask how important is this?) So, I turn to Max and say, how about this. (take Action) Come this way now and we will get someone else to do the walk with us. I will take the park short cut and you can take the pavement. Then we can discover which way is faster. If we find out the pavement is faster, then we can go that way tomorrow.  His response “ok Mum” as he catches up to me smiling!

The workplace name for this type of conflict resolution is independent. Work at the same time in parallel when agreement cannot be reached. There must be an agreement that the best outcome for the business be implemented. (Compromise)

Please join me in the Part 2 of the Complexity of Conflict in the workplace when we consider conflict in Meetings. Stay Tuned!

Thanks for reading my article.

Remember the greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but reveal to them their own. “Benjamin Disraeli”

Corporate Magic Pty Ltd
Mobile +61 405523507 | Email: |Web: Transformational Coach & Facilitator, Gallup Strengths Coaching| Extended DISC behavioural Profiling Leadership Mastery| Sales & Service.

Top Five Talents: Individualisation | Relator | Maximiser | Empathy | Achiever

Lessons in Leadership from my Three year old – Motivation

Lessons in leadership from my Three year old – Motivation 

MOTIVATE ME! Everytime I ask Max to do something that he does not consider important or interesting he says “no.”  Or he says “just a minute, I’m just finishing something else.” Or, my personal favourite “no thank-you mum, it’s ok” such beautiful manners! Sometimes he just completely ignores me or pretends he hasn’t heard.

I often find myself offering incentives or some kind of reward and recognition to get him to do the basic necessities, sit at the table, tidy the toys, get dressed, wash his hair or go to school!

So what is the truth about motivation

The truth of the matter is you cannot be motivated by someone else, motivation is a tool that is built from within, based on your values, feelings, attitudes, commitment & willingness to grow and contribute. You DO, however, have the ability to create a motivating environment that inspires others to ignite the fire within.

Discover how you can self-motivate and see the extraordinary impact you create as you model and inspire others.

Let’s have a look at three areas that reigniting the fire within;

    Own your self talk – is it hindering or helping?
    Know your strengths – what are they and are you playing to them?
    Know what you like to do – and do more of it!
    Embrace your natural behavioural style and be authentic – to stop overwhelm
    Take the action required – to bring it to life
    Know what you are prepared to do differently – then embrace the change
    The beliefs you have about yourself – do they limit you or serve you?Unveil your passion & purpose – stop learned behaviours and attitudes that no longer work
    Have a plan for what you want – know your outcome

 Decide in 2017 to discover how to light the fire within!

So, with Max, I have a special song I sing for brushing teeth, the wearing of swimming goggles for washing hair, breakfast at the café at work to get him to school and if he puts one toy away, I will play another with him.  Whilst these all work a treat, sometimes, I have to take the hard line and just use the “because I said so, that’s why!” technique. Or the 1,2,3 room time! A less pleasant outcome for all involved and quite the opposite of my usual collaborative approach.  Fortunately, we work on the 80/20 rule. Where 80% of the time he is a well behaved boy and 20% of the time we expect some level of naughtiness, even though we love him 100% of the time!

Contact me today for your free one hour discovery session.

Enter MOTIVATE ME in the subject line or Call on 0405523507

Or to arrange a  FREE 1 hour Discovery Session

Lessons in Leadership from my Three year old – Resilience

Lessons from my three year old in Resilience

I am reminded daily by my three year old Max, what resilience looks like as I watch him build something only to see it fall, and he says, don’t worry mum, we can build it again! I notice him doing something a bit risky, like riding his bike down a step and as he collects himself off the floor he looks at me and says. Don’t worry mum, I’m ok! When he regularly, accidentally, knocks his drink all over the table, saying it’s ok mum, it’s just an accident, you can clean it up!

One thing he knows, he has our support, our patience, our acceptance and our encouragement to engage in problem-solving to work things out on his own.

Then there are times where he wants more attention, may not feel as supported (when we have to go to work), and when every little bump and fall is like a momentous occasion requiring “teddy ice” and multiple layers of minion band aids, that are to stick everywhere but on himself! Then there are moments of emotional expression “tantrums” and moments of defiance. (No NO NOOO) This is when I have to pull out the big guns, let him have his moment and do nothing, distraction through movement, singing & dancing, silly faces, games and those one on one talks as he “looks me in the eyes” counting 1,2,3.

As adults, we have similar behaviours we are just more accountable for them:
1. High Drama (Workplace Politics &  Conflict)
2. Attention Seeking (through gossiping or negative behaviour)
3. Immature Emotional reactions (commonly know as the “dummy spit”)
4. Do nothing (build resentment instead and blame others)
5. One on ones (performance management)

Let’s look at the four key emotions.
1. Anger: When we believe something is unjust or unfair
2. Sadness: When we experience loss of something that matters to us
3. Fear: When we have the perception that something we don’t want to happen to us, will in the future.
5. Happiness: When we get what we are searching for

We can easily trigger all of these emotions and unfortunately, it’s usually easier to trigger negative emotions than the positive, due to our embedded response of fight, flight or freeze, our survival mechanisms.

How can we build resilience?
We need to first recognise the four key factors related to our resilience process:

1. Self-Talk:  The messages are we telling ourselves
2. Emotional Self-awareness:  The ability to identify feelings; Anger, sadness or fear
3. Our behaviour patterns: Understand your coping mechanism, fight, flight,  freeze
4. Physical sensation:  The sensation are you feeling in your body.

Here is an example about how this could manifest: Restructure at work

Self-Talk Emotional Self-Awareness Behaviour Physical Sensation
“Am I going to be ok?
Will I have a job when this is over?
What if I don’t?
Should I start looking?
When will we know?
Know one is telling us anything. Do I have enough to pay the rent / mortgage?”
People Pleasing
Lack Motivation
Poor sleep
Racing mind
Sensation in chest, stomach or throat.

A more resilient approach

Self-Talk Emotional Self-Awarenesss Behaviour Physical Sensation
“I know what is within my control and what is not. I will let go of the struggle and be confident in the fact that I am employable. I am prepared to do what it takes and take action.” Accept some uncertainty
Confidence in ability to act either way.
Acceptance of current circumstances
Curiosity, questioning own self-talk. “Am I blowing this out of proportion?
Do I have a limiting belief around this situation?”
Preparation to act
Coaching approach
Questioning limiting beliefs and thoughts
Collaborative and supportive approach
Greater self- confidence
Reduced anxiety
Calmer approach.

When evaluating your own resiliency ask yourself the following:

1. Do I feel supported, and surround myself with people who will support me?
2. Am I aware of and accepting of both my strength and my weaknesses?
3. How confident do I feel managing conflict or adversity? Must I always win or be right?
4. Am I good in a crisis – do people depend on me in a crisis?
5. Do I look for possibilities or problems when problem-solving?
6. Have I ever been in this situation before? what happened? What can I do differently now?

As you respond to these ask yourself “do I see problems or possibilities?”

Work through each question and discover ways to either embrace what you are doing and do more of it or discover what is not working as well for you and seek support to change it.

So, like Max, ask “how important is it?” then brush it off or rebuild it, take a moment and have your emotions around it, create a new distraction or give yourself a boost, recognise and appreciate those moments of learning and then do something different, something better.

FREE 1 hour Discovery Session
Contact Kelley Wacher TODAY!
0405 523 507|

Lessons in Leadership from my Three year old – CURIOSITY

Lessons from my three year old – Curiosity is the key to learning

Have you heard the term “you’re either green and growing or ripe and rotting?”

About 150 times a day my three year old Max asks why, how or what?

As a coach, it’s one of the things I love the most about him. As a family of two working parents, it’s also the most time consuming and we should be careful not to dismiss his curious mind, with responses like “it just is”, or “just because” or “I don’t know why.” According to sociologists This early learning period between the ages of 0 and 7 known as the imprint period. This is where your child develops their sense of self, their values & belief systems, their behaviour and their emotional understanding.

So why is this important? 

As adults, we have developed from our imprinting period to create our thinking patterns and our behaviour today. So much of how we think drives how we behave?

To understand this, we need to look at the NLP communication model. It began as a model of how we communicate to ourselves and others. Originally developed by founders Richard Bandler and John Grinder.  It explains how we process information internally then in turn, how we project that externally in our behaviour.

How we understand any particular situation is based on several elements:

Firstly, we take in information through the senses. What we see, hear; including self-talk, smell, touch & taste. In this process alone Cognitive psychology and linguistic analysts, Alfred Korzybski and Noam Chomsky tell us that we have We have 4,000,000,000 bits of data coming at us every second and is absorbed and assimilated through our unconscious mind. Trying to consciously process all this information consciously would literally drive us crazy! So, our nervous system filters it.

We do this through a process called delete, distort and generalise.

1. What we choose to see or not see based on our perception of the world
2. What we choose to hear or not hear based on our perception of the world
3. What we allow ourselves to experience based on our beliefs & values
4. We generalise to understand the world around us based on society,our culture and beliefs

We choose to see the world around us through our own reality lens

“We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.”— Rabbi Shemuel ben Nachmani, as quoted in the Talmudic tractate Berakhot (55b.)

Then we take into consideration our environment, the energy and space we are in at the time. Is the energy and space around you light or heavy, optimistic or negative, happy or melancholy? What do you remember? Memories are the height of our awareness, they are collections of emotions and experiences that we use to support and influence our decisions. For example, if you remember having a bad experience and the emotion attached you are unlikely to want to repeat that.  So closely related to our memories are the decisions we have made as our decision making process creates our beliefs and impacts our perception.

Our values & beliefs are our evaluation filter, how we decide between good and bad, right & wrong. They are how we decide about how we feel about or act.  Values are what people typically move toward or away from. They are our attractions or repulsion’s in life. Values change with context too. That is, you probably have certain values around what you want in a relationship and what you want in business and they may differ because values are context related, they may also be related to your overall state, how you are feeling at the time. One this is for certain, when in conflict with another’s values or business values there will be significant de-motivation or dissatisfaction.

When we think about beliefs, we know that most people never question them because they believe them to be true, without the presence of evidence, fact or logic. We are only in truly control of three areas of our life, what we think, what we say and how we behave and all three are a direct result of our beliefs, they can inspire or destroy us. This means that it is vital that we start to question the dogmatic nature of our beliefs. We need to see them as movable and changeable instead of seeing then as an accepted principal. Beliefs are our generalisations about how the world is. They are essentially our on/off switch for our ability to contribute and impact the community around us.

Our attitude and our patterns of thinking. Your attitude is a mental state that impacts your thoughts, behaviours and actions or reactions. Your attitudes stem from your beliefs. So, if you believe we are lacking in self-confidence, as far as you are concerned that is your reality, even though it is not true. It is true only when we believe it to be so. Your attitude is directly linked to your ability to thrive. Your advanced patterns of thinking (known as meta programs) control & guide what you perceive. These are not good or bad, just an indication of how someone handles information.

Two examples of these programs include moving towards pleasure or away from pain. “I have a deadline coming up and I am prioritising so I can get the result I want on time.” Versus, “OMG I have two days to complete this task and if I don’t do it I will be in a lot of trouble.” Both are motivators just in different ways.

Finally, we have language. Your language filter is the selective use of words you use create the message you are communicating. Your language has the power to influence resourcefully and un-resourcefully based on tonality, quality, volume and speed.  Your words have their own energy!

We are 100% accountable for the response we get to our communication, and that response will drive behaviour. It is important that we are aware of our tone, speed and the direction of our language as it represents a significant 35% of our message through communication.

All of the above components create the way in which we create our reality internally, see pictures, hear sounds, feel feelings, smell smells, taste tastes and the self talk we have with ourselves. Together and in a micro amount of time, every moment of the day, this process begins and ends creating our personal state, our physiology and our external behaviour. Change your thinking to create new resourceful experiences based on your natural talents and strengths!

So, I picked Max up from School last week and his teacher said to me, “I am amazed at his level of empathy with the other children and his ability to communicate. He talks a lot about so many different things. He is so curious about everything!” I hope as he grows into a young boy, a teenager and a young man this continues to develop as it becomes how my partner and I, his grandparents, and mentors contribute to him and how he becomes a model for the community around us.

FREE 1 hour Discovery Session
Contact Kelley Wacher TODAY!
0405 523 507|

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