Lessons from my three year old in Resilience

I am reminded daily by my three year old Max, what resilience looks like as I watch him build something only to see it fall, and he says, don’t worry mum, we can build it again! I notice him doing something a bit risky, like riding his bike down a step and as he collects himself off the floor he looks at me and says. Don’t worry mum, I’m ok! When he regularly, accidentally, knocks his drink all over the table, saying it’s ok mum, it’s just an accident, you can clean it up!

One thing he knows, he has our support, our patience, our acceptance and our encouragement to engage in problem-solving to work things out on his own.

Then there are times where he wants more attention, may not feel as supported (when we have to go to work), and when every little bump and fall is like a momentous occasion requiring “teddy ice” and multiple layers of minion band aids, that are to stick everywhere but on himself! Then there are moments of emotional expression “tantrums” and moments of defiance. (No NO NOOO) This is when I have to pull out the big guns, let him have his moment and do nothing, distraction through movement, singing & dancing, silly faces, games and those one on one talks as he “looks me in the eyes” counting 1,2,3.

As adults, we have similar behaviours we are just more accountable for them:
1. High Drama (Workplace Politics &  Conflict)
2. Attention Seeking (through gossiping or negative behaviour)
3. Immature Emotional reactions (commonly know as the “dummy spit”)
4. Do nothing (build resentment instead and blame others)
5. One on ones (performance management)

Let’s look at the four key emotions.
1. Anger: When we believe something is unjust or unfair
2. Sadness: When we experience loss of something that matters to us
3. Fear: When we have the perception that something we don’t want to happen to us, will in the future.
5. Happiness: When we get what we are searching for

We can easily trigger all of these emotions and unfortunately, it’s usually easier to trigger negative emotions than the positive, due to our embedded response of fight, flight or freeze, our survival mechanisms.

How can we build resilience?
We need to first recognise the four key factors related to our resilience process:

1. Self-Talk:  The messages are we telling ourselves
2. Emotional Self-awareness:  The ability to identify feelings; Anger, sadness or fear
3. Our behaviour patterns: Understand your coping mechanism, fight, flight,  freeze
4. Physical sensation:  The sensation are you feeling in your body.

Here is an example about how this could manifest: Restructure at work

A more resilient approach

When evaluating your own resiliency ask yourself the following:

1. Do I feel supported, and surround myself with people who will support me?
2. Am I aware of and accepting of both my strength and my weaknesses?
3. How confident do I feel managing conflict or adversity? Must I always win or be right?
4. Am I good in a crisis – do people depend on me in a crisis?
5. Do I look for possibilities or problems when problem-solving?
6. Have I ever been in this situation before? what happened? What can I do differently now?

As you respond to these ask yourself “do I see problems or possibilities?”

Work through each question and discover ways to either embrace what you are doing and do more of it or discover what is not working as well for you and seek support to change it.

So, like Max, ask “how important is it?” then brush it off or rebuild it, take a moment and have your emotions around it, create a new distraction or give yourself a boost, recognise and appreciate those moments of learning and then do something different, something better.

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Lessons from my three year old – Curiosity is the key to learning

Have you heard the term “you’re either green and growing or ripe and rotting?”

About 150 times a day my three year old Max asks why, how or what?

As a coach, it’s one of the things I love the most about him. As a family of two working parents, it’s also the most time consuming and we should be careful not to dismiss his curious mind, with responses like “it just is”, or “just because” or “I don’t know why.” According to sociologists This early learning period between the ages of 0 and 7 known as the imprint period. This is where your child develops their sense of self, their values & belief systems, their behaviour and their emotional understanding.

So why is this important? 

As adults, we have developed from our imprinting period to create our thinking patterns and our behaviour today. So much of how we think drives how we behave?

To understand this, we need to look at the NLP communication model. It began as a model of how we communicate to ourselves and others. Originally developed by founders Richard Bandler and John Grinder.  It explains how we process information internally then in turn, how we project that externally in our behaviour.

How we understand any particular situation is based on several elements:

Firstly, we take in information through the senses. What we see, hear; including self-talk, smell, touch & taste. In this process alone Cognitive psychology and linguistic analysts, Alfred Korzybski and Noam Chomsky tell us that we have We have 4,000,000,000 bits of data coming at us every second and is absorbed and assimilated through our unconscious mind. Trying to consciously process all this information consciously would literally drive us crazy! So, our nervous system filters it.

We do this through a process called delete, distort and generalise.

1. What we choose to see or not see based on our perception of the world
2. What we choose to hear or not hear based on our perception of the world
3. What we allow ourselves to experience based on our beliefs & values
4. We generalise to understand the world around us based on society,our culture and beliefs

We choose to see the world around us through our own reality lens

“We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.”— Rabbi Shemuel ben Nachmani, as quoted in the Talmudic tractate Berakhot (55b.)

Then we take into consideration our environment, the energy and space we are in at the time. Is the energy and space around you light or heavy, optimistic or negative, happy or melancholy? What do you remember? Memories are the height of our awareness, they are collections of emotions and experiences that we use to support and influence our decisions. For example, if you remember having a bad experience and the emotion attached you are unlikely to want to repeat that.  So closely related to our memories are the decisions we have made as our decision making process creates our beliefs and impacts our perception.

Our values & beliefs are our evaluation filter, how we decide between good and bad, right & wrong. They are how we decide about how we feel about or act.  Values are what people typically move toward or away from. They are our attractions or repulsion’s in life. Values change with context too. That is, you probably have certain values around what you want in a relationship and what you want in business and they may differ because values are context related, they may also be related to your overall state, how you are feeling at the time. One this is for certain, when in conflict with another’s values or business values there will be significant de-motivation or dissatisfaction.

When we think about beliefs, we know that most people never question them because they believe them to be true, without the presence of evidence, fact or logic. We are only in truly control of three areas of our life, what we think, what we say and how we behave and all three are a direct result of our beliefs, they can inspire or destroy us. This means that it is vital that we start to question the dogmatic nature of our beliefs. We need to see them as movable and changeable instead of seeing then as an accepted principal. Beliefs are our generalisations about how the world is. They are essentially our on/off switch for our ability to contribute and impact the community around us.

Our attitude and our patterns of thinking. Your attitude is a mental state that impacts your thoughts, behaviours and actions or reactions. Your attitudes stem from your beliefs. So, if you believe we are lacking in self-confidence, as far as you are concerned that is your reality, even though it is not true. It is true only when we believe it to be so. Your attitude is directly linked to your ability to thrive. Your advanced patterns of thinking (known as meta programs) control & guide what you perceive. These are not good or bad, just an indication of how someone handles information.

Two examples of these programs include moving towards pleasure or away from pain. “I have a deadline coming up and I am prioritising so I can get the result I want on time.” Versus, “OMG I have two days to complete this task and if I don’t do it I will be in a lot of trouble.” Both are motivators just in different ways.

Finally, we have language. Your language filter is the selective use of words you use create the message you are communicating. Your language has the power to influence resourcefully and un-resourcefully based on tonality, quality, volume and speed.  Your words have their own energy!

We are 100% accountable for the response we get to our communication, and that response will drive behaviour. It is important that we are aware of our tone, speed and the direction of our language as it represents a significant 35% of our message through communication.

All of the above components create the way in which we create our reality internally, see pictures, hear sounds, feel feelings, smell smells, taste tastes and the self talk we have with ourselves. Together and in a micro amount of time, every moment of the day, this process begins and ends creating our personal state, our physiology and our external behaviour. Change your thinking to create new resourceful experiences based on your natural talents and strengths!

So, I picked Max up from School last week and his teacher said to me, “I am amazed at his level of empathy with the other children and his ability to communicate. He talks a lot about so many different things. He is so curious about everything!” I hope as he grows into a young boy, a teenager and a young man this continues to develop as it becomes how my partner and I, his grandparents, and mentors contribute to him and how he becomes a model for the community around us.

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0405 523 507| kelley@corporatemagic.com.au

DISCOVER YOUR STRENGTHS AND BRING THEM TO LIFE “ONE ON ONE”

Many of us go through life based on what is expected of us, based on learned behaviours, cultures, and beliefs that we have created and made habitual over the years. We have created a version of ourselves formed by our experiences, learnings and outcomes.

Do you ever feel like something is missing?

1. Discover your top five talents and how to build them into strengths providing your passion and purpose.
2. Discover what drives your behaviour and how to build on your emotional intelligence and resilience.
3. Discover how to clear negatives beliefs and behaviours and start to thrive.

The time is NOW. The core of the strengths movement is focusing on what is RIGHT, not fixing what is wrong. More than 16 million people all over the world have completed the Gallup® CliftonStrengths™ assessment. When we foster a deep understanding of our strengths, we can use them to enhance our partnerships and relationships, our teams and ourselves.

Unveil your Natural Talents and Transform them into Strengths.

Coupled with this is your ability to create transformational change through coaching. This level of personal & professional development is about tapping into your ability to create choice. Choices that are underpinned by resourceful belief systems, and engaging new behaviour to achieve the results you desire.

For only $550
BOOK AND RECEIVE!

• Your unique individual Gallup® CliftonStrengths™ assessment code
• Your top five strengths, personal insight report and action plans
• Two Hour Coaching Session with Kelley Wacher your personal Coach to;
  1. Understand what you yearn for, your purpose, how you contribute, what you need to develop your talents into strengths that serve you and what to look out for when you face talent barriers.
  2. Understand your own Communication model and see how it drives your current behaviour.
  3. Discover a supported way forward to enable you to thrive and be fulfilled.

BOOK YOUR COACHING SESSION NOW

We project ourselves into the world driven by our communication model. This happens naturally. However, when our responses are based on limiting beliefs or un-resourceful thinking, feeling or self-talk that does not serve us. We find ourselves wondering: What is wrong with me, something is missing, but I just can’t pin-point what it is!

Have you ever decided or behaved in a way and after the fact, felt resentful, or remorseful?

Have you ever asked why am I here? What am I doing? Where am I heading? Or who am I?

This may feel like a sensation in your body, usually around the solar plexus, gut, throat or heart space, like a warning that you are not on the right path, or that you are headed toward melancholy, a feeling of dread or self-doubt. You may become filled with uncertainty, with no reason or understanding of why. I call it my own personal ‘black hole’. It can be filled.

Discover how to shrink it, fill it resourcefully, change it and use it to guide you toward your purpose and your ability to thrive.

You CAN truly understand what motivates you and your choices.
You CAN discover your true yearning, and your unique talents.
You CAN change your thinking to support your strengths and purpose.
You CAN let go of all those negative behaviours or beliefs and thrive.

That would be AMAZING, wouldn’t it?
I invite you to join me in unveiling your potential to thrive.

CLICK HERE TO BOOK AND RECEIVE YOUR UNIQUE CODE 

See the light at the end of the tunnel
‘Then, just when I thought I could stand it no more,
By chance I discovered a tiny trap door!
I popped my head out. The great sky was blue
And I knew, from the flowers, I’d finally come through…’
Dr Seuss – I had trouble in getting to Solla Sollew

This is what my clients have to say…

 “When I made the decision to start working with a personal coach, I did so with a very clear picture in mind regarding who that person needed to be and what they would help me achieve.  I had come to a point in my career where I was comfortable but unchallenged, where I knew there was more I could be achieving but risked losing the courage to go out and make that happen. The responsibilities and demands regarding my family were also changing, freeing up responsibilities and opening up opportunities.  I therefore needed a coach who would push me to set bold goals and take action to make it happen.  What I didn’t realise is that I actually needed a coach who would take the time to really understand who I was and where I had come from –  my successes and failures, my joys and despairs, my aspirations and limiting beliefs, my passions and assassins.  What I also didn’t realise is that I needed to understand these things about myself…..  Through our coaching sessions Kelley helped me understand who I was, and that I have what I need to create the career and future that I want. She challenged my thinking, helped me re-write my past, and cheered me on as I set and achieved new goals.  It has been an emotional and powerful partnership and I couldn’t have asked for a more caring and committed coach than Kel.”

 I participated in Kelley Wachers’ course of Passion and Purpose.  My intention of engaging Kelley was to address my feelings of being locked down and blocked at that point in my life.  When Kelley provided the first briefing on the outline of the course, it seemed to be very logical in regards to dealing the past influences and consequential behaviour that I had developed through my life. Although very confronting at times, the course content provided a long lasting positive change in my life.  I also learnt techniques to sustain the changes in my trigger areas of unhelpful behaviour and thought patterns.   Upon reflection and throughout the course I was continually impressed with Kelley’s style and facilitation techniques.  Some of the issues that came up from time to time were extremely personal and confronting for me, however, Kelley provided a safe and supportive environment throughout the entire course.  Her demeanour and methods of facilitation throughout the course allowed me to explore my trigger issues without judgement or prejudice. Since completing the course with Kelley I am of the opinion that the investment I have made in myself will continue to pay exponentially high dividends.  This is reflected in my levels of personal happiness, growth and success of my business and general health.

Emotional Intelligence – Leadership Lessons from my three-year-old.

Max turned three in August and has recently discovered his testosterone button and with this discovery, I have realised some key emotional triggers that are not indicative of best practice emotional intelligence. I had thought that only selected dealings with telco organisations could create the level of internalised anger and frustration that is brought upon by a testosterone fuelled exchange with my three-year-old.

This is where I have leveraged the concept of my inside voice not becoming my outside voice and where thoughts do NOT become actions. Mostly my practice of emotional intelligence is related to understanding the impact on self and others of specific behaviour. Combined with a mixture of intelligence, common sense and emotional strength we forge on.

Imagine, if you will, and I know you can, the repetitive parental tone of:
(Mum) go to bed,
(Max) “but I’m not tired”
(Mum) Ok, go to bed,
(Max) “but I want a drink, I’m thirsty”
(Mum) Ok, now go to bed,
(Max) “but I need my teddy from over there”
(Mum) Right, now go to bed.
Ok, Max goes to bed. Two minutes later, a pitter patter of feet down the hallway,
(Max) but mum, I have to tell you something, very important.
(Mum) Now slightly louder, Max it can wait, now go to bed. Right Now.
Now begins the emotional blackmail,
(Max) “but Mum, I’m lonely,”
Slight heart string tug. Max goes to bed. Again, a pitter patter of feet down the hallway,
(Max) “but mum, I’m not tired,” followed by an accidentally on purpose right hook to my cheek

My mental explosion is set and I can feel the emergence of “CRAY, CRAY” mum! The sting in my cheek pounding and choice, inappropriate, language swirling around my head. If I open my mouth right now, I am going to be a complete maniac. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe. ….
____________________________________________

So, have you ever felt this emotional hijacking at work. Ever reacted in a way that you regretted, that may be be deemed ‘over-emotional, inappropriate, not professional, immature’ or wished hindsight was suddenly foresight, or wished you had gone for a quick walk or talked to a friend before sending that email or opening your mouth and saying those words?

Why is it so important?
Because it is the foundation for critical leadership and workplace skills, not limited to, and including:

Effective Decision Making, Change Tolerance, Social Skills, Flexibility, Trust, Anger Management, Time Management, Communication, Empathy, Presentation Skills, Team Work, Assertiveness, Negotiation.

Because it impacts all areas of our life:

Relationships: When you understand your own emotions and those of others and you learn to manage them you will improve your ability to communicate effectively in all your relationships.

Overall Work Performance: Emotional intelligence can help you navigate the social complexities of the workplace, lead and motivate others, and excel in your career.

Body health: Stress in the work place can lead to serious health problems. We when cannot manage our stress through emotional intelligence it can raise blood pressure, impact your immune system, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, and speed up the aging process. To improve emotional intelligence, we must first learn to relieve and manage emotional stress.

Mental health: Unmanaged stress, anxiety or being overwhelmed can also impact your mental health, making you vulnerable to other mental health issues such as depression, mood swings, loneliness and isolation.

What does Emotional Intelligence look like alongside behavioural styles of DISC?

One of the first components in the emotional intelligence mode is SELF-AWARENESS
That is, the ability to understand your own moods, emotions and motivations as well as how they impact others.

Followed closely by SELF-MANAGEMENT
That is, the ability to control un-resourceful moods or emotions, and to think before acting.

Then SELF-MOTIVATION, what strengths do I have that can assist me in my contribution to a successful outcome.

Moving on to SOCIAL AWARENESS, the ability to read others emotions and understand how to manage interactions with them based on their reactions.

Finally, RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT all about building rapport, finding common ground and creating networks with others
____________________________________________

So, when I was dealing with Max, I was firstly self-aware that my feelings were escalating, I was very aware of my building frustration and also that it was not appropriate to unleash on my three-year-old.

My self-management strategy was to breathe and listen to my self talk. He’s a child, he’s only three, he is clearly going through something right now as this is unusual behaviour for him! He skipped the terrible twos, perhaps it’s the turbulent threes! If in doubt google, do others have this issue…. (Pause), wow so many others, so there is nothing wrong with him. So, I’m ok too! (because of course it’s really all about me!)

Self-Motivation, be patient, I’m good at patience, it’s a strength, I know, this too shall pass.

Social Awareness, this is the rollercoaster of child development, nothing you’re thinking of will work without some fall out. Be prepared for and accept the tantrum!

Now I’m ready:
Time for ACTION. I say nothing, just collect Max in my arms, go, put him in his bed and close the door on the way out. He will cry, and that’s ok, not a sign of failure, you can bear it! Earphones on, light out. Breathe! I know that in the morning he will run in all smiles, “good morning mum” as if nothing has happened!

Decide today to improve you Emotional Intelligence skills

Contact me now for your “Emotional Awareness Self Assessment”
Enter EQ Self Assessment in the subject line.

LEADERSHIP LESSONS FROM MY THREE YEAR OLD

Determination – What you focus on is what you get 

Dear Santa, all Max wants for Christmas is a grabber! 

Where he got the idea, is anyone’s guess. He saw them somewhere and decided they would come in very handy for him.

He wrote to Santa and asked for grabbers, he saw Santa and asked for grabbers. If you ask him what he wants for Christmas, he will say “grabbers”!

Funnily enough, since making this decision, he has, on a number of occasions found opportunities where grabbers would be required.

1. Picking up Lego that has fallen behind the lounge, “hey mum, I could use my grabbers for this”;
2. Reaching the marshmallows for his Maxacinno; “mum, if I had my grabbers I could reach them”;
3. Finding a toy he has dropped from his car seat; “mum, this is why I want my grabbers”.

It would appear that the more he focuses on his grabbers and the greater the want, the more opportunities present themselves.

Imagine what it would be like to be so focused on what you want that you cannot help but unconsciously create and see opportunities presenting themselves over and over.

Throughout my career, I have seen and heard people be very clear about what they DON’T want.

Do you ever hear yourself saying…

• I don’t want to fail
• I don’t want to upset anyone
• I don’t want to miss any opportunities
• I don’t want to do this job anymore
• I don’t want to disappoint my team
• I don’t want to feel this way
• I don’t know what I want

Imagine if you could be clear about your passion and purpose, if you could truly identify what you are good at, your unique talents, have a greater awareness of your own behaviour and how it both helps and hinders your performance – it could completely change the way you experience the world around you!

When we are aware of our talents and apply them to our performance we deliver greater results in all areas of our lives. When we understand our natural behavioural style and learn new, effective ways to communicate with others who are different to us, we improve our engagement in all areas of our lives.

The Gallup Strengths organisation recently accumulated evidence across its client data estimating the average performance increase as a result of education on individual strengths and recorded a 33% greater engagement among employees. Among those, productivity data, based on post strengths education or awareness and coaching increased by 7.8%. The research also showed reduction in turnover and increase in overall profitability.  All this is based on awareness and development of your unique talents.

So, Back to my three year old Max: I find the quickest way to change his behaviour is to find something he likes doing and have him do more of it!

As adults engaged in lifelong learning, we are reminded in the simplest of ways that when we put our talents to work and create opportunities to use them so they become our natural strengths, we discover just how much we can contribute to our overall success.

Do you want to hear yourself saying….?

• I continue to create opportunities where I am valued.
• I am resilient and make considered decisions with an understanding of my impact on others.
• I am always open to new opportunities.
• I am passionate about what I do, and the results I get.
• I am a great role model for leadership and engagement.
• I feel good about myself.
• I know what I want and I am doing it!

This is How in a few easy steps.

So, if you’re my 3 year old Max…

1. See something you really want.
2. Convince yourself & others through repetition all the reasons you require this gift include specific examples.
3. Truly believe that Santa thinks you’re very good all year and will deliver it to your door!
4. Have some amazing sugar plum fairies for parents.
5. Have the true belief that even if you’re a little bit naughty, it will probably still happen.

Now the grown up leadership version…

1. Discover your top 5 talents, understand your own behavioural style and how your leadership behaviour impacts self and others.
2. Think of a time where you felt truly motivated and engaged in what you were doing. What was that? How does it relate to your top talents.  What do you see, hear, feel, think in this situation!
3. Decide what would have to happen to create more of that! Now, what do you need to do differently to bring that to life.  (Make a Decision to act)
4. Set a goal based on what you want more of and a strategy to get there. (Create an Outcome)
5. Truly Believe that you can do it. (Determination)
6. Find yourself an accountability partner to keep you on track.
   (Take Action)
7. Believe there is no failure only feedback so when something doesn’t go to plan you can learn from it and then do something else! (Resilience)

Believe even if you are a little bit naughty. Santa will still come!😜

In 2017, learn more about discovering your passion and purpose. Change your thinking to create new, resourceful experiences based on your natural talents, behaviours and strengths!